sad face.

Gahhhhhhhhhhh. I know my blog seems like I'm such a negative nance, and I kinda am. And I hate that about myself. I wish I could just be happy, like genuinely happy. But for some reason I can't. This is really getting hard on my relationship with my fiance because I don't feel like I am acting like I should. I feel like I'm acting like an old hag. I just really hate that I have to struggle with this and I wish it was as easy to just say "it's done" and it actually be done. But that's not reality. It's something that is really hard to deal with and I'm not sure what I'm going to do because I don't know how to deal with it. It seems like nobody has even noticed either. Which makes me feel worse about it all because it makes me feel like I'm not important. I just wish someone would do something. I olbvi need it. :(

Life Sucks Sometimes.

Let me just restate the title of this post. Life sucks sometimes. It's the stinking truth and if you try to tell me otherwise, you're a liar. I recently decided to change my career path, from Psychology to Nursing. Not too different, right? Wrong. I also decided to change colleges. Not too difficult, right? Wrong. Only 1 of my 4 classes from Fall quarter will transfer from Wright State to Kettering College. Oh how I am despising Wright State more and more everyday. I just feel now that I am behind in life. And I know that is a ridiculous statement because I am only 19. But, if I would have know I wanted to do Nursing, I could be done in 3 years from Kettering. But it's going to take a year longer now. Not to mention, I am stuck in a crappy apartment that is waaay too expensive for what it's worth. I'm in debt. I have depression, which I cannot kick. And to top it all off, I have stooped so low, that I ahev to work at McDonalds now. THE most disgusting place on the planet. Trust me, it's dirt nast. I'm just so fed up. I wish I would have stayed at home and made a better decision about what I wanted to do in life. I think I just decided on psychology because I wanted to put down a major, come to think of it. Now I can't do the things that I want to do because I'm poor. We can't start looking at houses because of my debt. Ugh. Life Sucks Sometimes.

Productivity

Today I wrote out a very achievable list of things to do. I got some of them done. Now that the day is complete I am sitting back thinking to myself "this is ridiculous." Why can't I get a simple list finished!? Wait, I know why. I got the things done that are SUPER important. Like going to the Registrar at Wrong State (Wright State), and getting new textbooks, etc. What I didn't get done was exercising. Surprise. I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely 0 willpower. Which really sucks for me seeing how I am trying to lose 30+ pounds before my sister's wedding and before mine!!!! It doesn't help my cause that I am still, after probably about 2 years battling depression. This is a really sore subject because I feel like an ungrateful little brat. I have everything anyone would want, not to brag! I have a wonderful fiance, a loving family, a dog who I ADORE, great friends, a new job, and a bright future. I don't know why I am so annoyed with life when it is treating me so well? I feel like I don't know how to handle my life anymore. Or even myself. So is the problem will-power or the power of something to hard to talk about. 

Wedding Plans

I am recently, well sorta recently, engaged! 11-11-11! We're not getting married for another 2 and a half years, but I can't stop making plans! It's so much fun. I had no idea how costly it was though. So, I have decided to try to make my wedding very inexpensive seeing how my sister is getting married on October 27, and I have another sister too. I have turned to the best website yet... Pinterest! I have found so many good ideas for a DIY wedding! My vision of my wedding is rustic/country. So, it is going to be very casual. I have so much work to do on this wedding, but it will be worth it.

My New Beginning

This is the new year, and I have yet to make a new year's resolution. I don't know why I feel like they are so important, but every time I turn around I am telling myself to make one! This is absolutely ridiculous because I never keep them. EVER. I thought up some ideas, ranging from changing my self image to reaching out and helping in my community to being more creative. I then had a fight with my new fiance. He is fed up with my "wall". So, I have decided that my resolution is to try to be more open. Sometimes you just need to put your trust in other people. That is something that is really hard for me to do. I am a strong willed, hard headed, country girl, who was taught to "do it yourself and rub some dirt on it". But that is so not me. This is going to be really difficult, but I am ready to do it because I know it will make my life better. I can't wait to marry him.